what it’s like to hardly leave the house
No, i’m not a 30 year old living in my mothers basement, playing video games and stroking my cat. I’m seventeen living in my mothers… just kidding, I’m not that crazy ok. but I am still living at home, as obviously i’m still a teenager. homeschooled.
I once did go off to school, for the most part of my teenage years, riding on the school bus there and back home again. God, that was tiring and the people at school were just stupid and talked about stupid things and it was just STUPID. Here’s where it gets kind of funny – long story short, I got sick and I had to do school from home. At first, I kind of enjoyed not waking up super early and catching the bus and being around people who thought rape jokes were funny and all that – but it got bad. I got depressed, i resented the people who didn’t contact me, i got mad and wanted to throw things at windows and scream. Oh, I screamed alright, that was the least violent thing to do, but it was probably violent to some peoples ears, let me tell you. I’m a screecher alright. I did throw a slightly wet book at my wall, as you do, and it still has blue ink there. There’s probably a lot of things I did that I can’t remember now, because you know what? time passes. It really does, and what seemed the most terrible of times had gone.
Yeah, the only friends I seemed to have was my dog, the cat, the 5 chickens we have adopted (for now) and the 8 ducks that come around sometimes. That seemed alright to me, but probably to you, you’re thinking ‘ she’s a loser… who has pets as friends?’ Yeah, maybe I didn’t have friends anymore, but over time i didn’t want friends. i evolved to forgetting what it felt like. Having someone to laugh with and be weird with. At that point i no longer needed anyone, i no longer needed to talk to anyone and it just felt normal because that’s how I had been living. I was pushed to go out and spend time with the old friends that i had – but i just couldn’t. i didn’t want to get to know them all over again, it was just too draining, and it still is.
I mean, i was at home all day, with no one around but my mum downstairs, so it felt like no one was really around me anyway. it was silent and i felt so big in the house, like i was outgrowing everything. I felt like i couldn’t go out because i was sick and i didn’t want to go in a wheelchair because that was also depressing. No one wants to feel like that. So, my only option, I thought was to stay inside. It wasn’t great, i’ll admit, but you get to appreciate who you are and just sit down and actually get to know yourself. who are you? what do you want to be? what do you want people to see you as? are you treating your parents right? are you working hard? all those things that they forget about because you’re too busy trying to impress others instead of impressing yourself. It’s hard to be at home, but i got used to it, and it helped me be a better person. I actually think this all happened for a reason, you know? i was meant to get sick, i was meant to figure things out and find my path again, even if i was making myself a little bit mad.
Don’t get me wrong though, I love going outside, but for the most part of my day I had to spend it inside doing school. It felt like that I was imprisoned. I wasn’t, though, I could go outside, and I realise that now.
what am i trying to tell you? stay at home sometimes, you don’t always have to be with your friends on the weekends. talk to your parents, sleep in, write down your feelings, just figure out what you are doing. everything will be alright. it’s all meant to happen, and even if you are down right sufferings, it will definitely pass. just give yourself time. you deserve it.